So where were you Sunday ?

If you weren’t sitting in front of the box watching the Belgian Grand Prix, please stop reading here and hum yourself a little tune instead as what I’m about to drone on about will not make the slightest bit of sense.  But for the rest of you, what can I say??

Read this and weep if you’re a Kenyan!

How can those Brits ever forgive the FIA for the most ridiculus bloody decision ever made in the history of motor racing, and *cringe* one of the officials at the race was a Kenyan!

For goodness sake, I would have thought a Kenyan would have more heart than that.  I mean Christ Alive, does that boy deserve absolutely no credit at all for keeping it on the road rather than in the wall ?  He was driving along like he was on Waiyaki Way in a storm in Rush Hour – it was an awesome bit of driving – and please can even ONE Nairobian swear that he does not view at least one accident per kilometre as soon as the heavens open in this country, …… and as for ‘illegal driving’ – well, it’s yet another thing that even just the one Kenyan can surely not profess to have ever NOT paid the odd cop off after totally ignoring those traffic lights that they put in the MIDDLE of the roundabout that are totally irrelevant to man or beast, and yet you can be sure that the day you jump them there will be a chap in blue waiting patiently on the other side for a small ‘cup of tea’!  Or how about that quick “phone call from the hospital that you just HAD to take” whilst driving along the highway with no hands on the steering wheel as it happens that the phone call is SOOOOO incredibly stressful that you actually had to smoke a cigarette at the same time and that happens to be in the other hand so that you don’t burn your ear!!  Come on now peeps – which one of you can honestly stand up straight and tell me that you haven’t bent the rules just a weeny bit once in your lifetimes (-OK, perhaps not as often as me, but still!)

So what on earth was that Mr Thati thinking??  This isn’t about being British or Italian or any other nationality, surely this should be about “GOOD SPORTSMANSHIP”, and Mr Thati – I’m afraid you seem to be missing yours!

You see Kenya is really one of the wonders of the equatorial region.  Not only can we pay our government higher salaries than those in Europe, we even do a spot of snow ball fighting once in a while just to keep us on our toes!

OK, so the talking continues all about the spouses of the top slot chaps being put onto the government payroll so that yours truly and every other Kenyan can now donate yet more of their hard earned cash to pay for the ladies pocket money.

My cyber chum round at Sukuma Kenya has outlined it for us if you look here, and talk today in the dailies has a bunch of commentaries on exactly whether we should be shelling out this cash to these women or not.  Opinion seems to agree that these fabulous wives will of course have a load more visitors round the house and therefore are arguing that this cash is for ‘entertaining’ purposes.

But hold on a second, can we just get slightly real here – er, $6,000 a month for tea and biccies??  Christ alive, what are they serving – gold dusted muffins with diamond chips?

Surely those large gentleman sitting at the top of the pile can afford a few cups of tea and a packet of ‘House of Manji’ specials once in a while without us handing over thousands more shillings that this country can ill afford?

Can I just say though that I am a little perturbed by the ‘Fat Wives need Fat salaries’ title, as it seems we are suggesting that the larger one’s rear end is, the more salary they deserve??

If this statement has any credibility whatsoever, it seems that I am thoroughly UNDER paid and those gorgeous models that we catch on every cover of those flash glossy magazines, including that slim ‘mobile swinging’ fox Naomi Campbell are obviously highly OVER paid for the size of their backsides, and perhaps we should be rather judging the size of Lucy’s bum versus Mrs Odinga and Mrs Kalonzo to find how much of our riches should be handed out to each of these dear ladies!!

PS.  Turns out that chap handing out all the dosh round town is just a gimmick to promote some cell phone company and not some fat cat politician trying to win over our hearts ….

How dull !!  I do rather prefer a bit more scandal to chaps rushing about with wads loads of notes.

Well, the marvellous mystery man with wads of cash has been at it over the last couple of days popping up all over the place and paying matatu fares, filling up cars with petrol and yesterday even buying some lunches I understand.

No-one seems to still know who he is.  Talk is that he must be something to do with politics as that’s how all politicians win anything in this country – with a spot of cash!  Discussions on the radio focus on this fellow being jolly nice to everyone and being branded some kind of mystery hero, and then once he’s a superstar of note, he’ll announce who exactly he is and then run for parliament!

Sounds quite plausible BUT I have another theory!!

Personally I think it’s a plan that was to distract the public when Raila’s wife was rewarded with a monthly 400,000 shillings salary (around US$6000) – which of course is a heck of a lot more than 99.99% of all of us earn in these parts.

You see when President Kibaki’s wife, the delectable Lucy, was honored with a sweet half million shillings a month – who was the first to start jumping up and down ??  … Er, well that would be Raila surely, and now when Mrs Odinga gets given a rather large salary too – who’s the quietest chap in the country ?? … Er, well that would be Raila surely!!

SO you see, perhaps the mystery man is more than likely linked to this issue of the VP and the PM’s wives being put onto the government payroll, and was supposed to serve as a decoy for the ladies receiving fat salaries for nothing that they didn’t actually do already.

Sadly for them though, it seems the little scam has gone and backfired, as headlines in my favourite local daily comic, the Nairobi Star is;

“PLEASE GIVE ME PEACE – IDA ODINGA”

Although I must say I am still trying to track down this marvellous chap as I personally have no shame in accepting a bit of a hand out, and if anyone knows which petrol station he may be heading for to fill up a few cars, I’ll get myself down there in a flash!

- By the way, back page of all our dailies today is much more exciting as our Olympian heroes return.

But of course, there will be a small debate ………

Well, after Mr Githongo announced that those looters of public coffers should put their hands up, say “Yup, I stole all your cash”, and in return claim amnesty, we have a had a few takers it seems.

First there was Martha, who back in March had this to say with regards to those who may have perpetrated post-election violence;

10 Mar 2008 … Cabinet minister, Ms Martha Karua, has ruled out giving amnesty to perpetrators of post-election violence.

BUT then, I read the ‘Business Daily’ today with regards to Mr Githongo’s appeal for amnesty for looters and the little lady pops up again, but this time with a slightly different tack on ‘amnesty’ when it comes to Mr Githongo’s bright idea of letting all the looters get away with public money;

25 Aug 2008 … Justice minister Martha Karua defended the amnesty offer on the grounds that the country could not deal with past corruption forever.

Ooooh well, Mrs Karua, you’re not trying to tell us anything here by any small chance are you?
Is it that stealing cash is absolutely fine as long as you’re not violent about it ???

Not to worry, I understand our VP Kalonzo is jumping on the looters amnesty bandwagon too – along with a few more “It certainly wasn’t ME!” high profile names before the end of the week I’m sure!

It’s not all bad though. Listen to this -

An unidentified fellow went to Kencom bus stop (the main bus terminal in Nairobi city centre), yesterday evening and again this morning and was said to have paid the matatu fare for all the passengers on 5 different matatus and then disappeared!

No-one has a clue why he made such a generous gesture as he never identified himself apparently, but I do know that there are a lot of Kenyans keen to know at which bus stop this fabulous gentleman will be at tomorrow morning, because there will be a large crowd of people standing by, and NOT boarding any public transport before he gets there!

If anyone has any further information on this marvellous man who is so keen to pay out all Ma3 fares, please get in touch soonest!!!

Well, well, what can I say. Mr John Githongo – Mr ‘Anti-corruption’ himself returned to Kenya yesterday with some enlightening words for us all …..

“It is better to grant amnesty to those willing to admit they had swindled the public out of cash.”

“ER, YOU WHAT?!?!?” I hear you cry.

To give you a brief rundown of Mr Githongo for those of you who do not know who this chap is;
John Githongo founded the Kenyan chapter of ‘Transparency International’ back in 1999. In 2003 he was elected to the position of Permanent Secretary for Governance and Ethics by the incoming president Kibaki, who had been elected on an anti-corruption platform. He resigned from this position in February 2005 without comment, though it was reported that he felt the government lacked commitment to ending corruption and that he had received death threats. He then moved to the UK to live in self-exile and had been there ever since until …. *duh, deh, dah* … Tuesday night, after receiving an invitation to return from our very own PM Mr Raila Odinga.

Prime Minister Raila Odinga (left) welcomes home former anti-corruption tsar, Mr John Githongo.

Now, what on earth are we supposed to make of all this handing out amnesty rather than prosectution?

There was a debate on the radio this morning about this thorny issue and although the majority seemed to think that Githongo should get straight back onto the plane and return to wherever he came from with his crazy suggestions, I thought both sides of the discussion had very valid points.

The ‘PRO’ Githongo stance was that no-one has ever actually been held to account for ripping off public funds. We have commission of enquiry after Commission of Enquiry but no-one ever seems to get held to book and we seem to spend a damn fortune on these commissions dragging out a lot of accusations and counter accusations and yet there is never a conclusion and not one penny gets returned, so Githongo has a point. Let those who ripped off cash put their hands up and then get forgiven and let’s move on.

The ‘YOU MUST BE NUTS’ stance that totally disagrees with Githongo, is of the opinion that if you forgive these people – whether they put their hands up or not (as chances are they never will anyhow!), it is just giving an excuse to these people to loot even more cash, and surely we have to put a stop to this corruption by holding people to account for their actions – whether that be yesterday or ten years ago, surely theft (because that is basically what it is lets be honest) is totally wrong and should NOT be forgiven just like that because some chap put his hands up and said ‘Sorry’. Surely there should be some form of repercussion.

Someone said that apparently in China, people get beheaded if caught stealing government funds, and although that may be slightly extreme I must admit, everyday people here in Kenya get lynched daily for stealing mobile phones, and yet we are willing to let our leaders get away with blatant fraud?

Mmmm, I think both sides have legitimate points in this argument, but I’m definitely leaning to the side of NOT getting away with this continuous looting of our hard earned cash.

Surely the buck has to stop somewhere ???

My cyber chum Primal Sneeze sent me through this little snippet from the Irish times which I found very enlightening …

Turns out that while Obama’s father came from ‘our sides’, it seems his mother’s roots are in Ireland.

Well, I mean, how smashing is that. No matter that ALL Kenyans will receive automatic green cards on the mention of ‘NATIONALITY: KENYAN’ on their application forms but we’re also going to qualify for a bit of an EU passport too – courtesy of the Irish!!

Things really are looking up – don’t know what our man Kibaki’s on about with his NO dual nationality thing

- Hell, being Kenyan, American AND Irish is just going to be standard from now on surely. In fact I think they should just reprint all our passports in red stars and blue stripes with green and gold harps scattered all over without further delay.

I must get onto it with our Immigration minister Mr. Kajawang immediately.
(I hear he’s all for going against ’senior advice’.)

Well, seeing as I got onto the subject of religion in my last post, I thought I should continue the trend ………. hoping that people do have a little bit of a sense of humour when it comes to the subject and are not going to jump down my throat with a bit of lecture, but instead open their minds just to let another opinion filter in. After that of course, you may filter it straight out again and into the ‘what-a-load-of-bollix’ file in your memory bank, but meanwhile, here goes.

As has been well publicised in all of the International Press over the last year, it seems the latest religion amongst the celebs out there in ‘Hello’ magazine is of course ‘Scientology’.

Well, from an article in our Saturday Nation, it turns out that it’s sneaked in here to Kenya too but not with the pomp and glamour of its white, seven storey building in amongst the palm trees of Beverly Hills, but quietly into the third floor of an ordinary looking building stuck between two Christian churches here on the outskirts of Nairobi City Centre.

Reading through the article, what struck me, although you may beg to differ and don’t hesitate to correct me on this one as I’m really rather confused I must say, but as I see it, this looks like a religion that was made up by a marvellous chap called Mr Ron Hubbard …..

L. Ron Hubbard
(A dodgy looking carrot I’d say)

… who more than likely had a bit of a sordid past, and was strapped for a bit of cash most probably and so therefore came up with a terrific new religion totally based on the fact that sin does not exist!

Smashing Mr Hubbard. From what I’ve got from the various websites I’ve looked at is that it’s all about confessing and confronting your sins and by doing so clearing the guilt from your mind and skipping off into the blue yonder as happy as a skylark who’s just been released from a cage the size of my take away coffee cup!

Don’t get me wrong, Sunday’s sound like a blast. Instead of having some chap preach to you, or having a bit of a sing song or anything else as uplifting, you just hand over a bunch of cash and some marvellous fellow assess your IQ and personality and then balances it all out and gets you to therefore fulfil your ‘true potential’ – whatever that may be.

Apparently (and this is the bit that totally sold me), when you get really good you can telepathically move things that are miles away with the power of your brain!

Excellent news for all I’d say. No wonder it’s hooked such celebrities as Tom Cruise and John Travolta. I mean with all that travelling they do, it must play havoc with the housework in their various pads dotted across the globe and all that telepathic stuff must be superb to be able to tidy up and do a bit of dusting at your next destination before you arrive.

BUT, and there’s always a ‘butt’ in these things, (or a bunch of arse whichever way you look at it), there are also the critics who say that what this religion is all about is getting a bunch of celebs to confess their naughtiest secrets and then blackmail with that information so that they support them with wads loads of cash, and recruit a bunch more fellow celebs to the cause.

Mmmmm – now that sounds much more plausible to me and my sceptic side.

What I do think though is this really sums up the fact that all ‘religion’ is really very personal, and as long as it’s dear to you and you can hang onto it to get you through the bad times then I think everyone should find a religion they can call their own. And if you don’t find a path that suits you, not to worry as it seems that you can just make one up and even perhaps earn a few bob in the process!

It could save you a fortune on the psychiatrists couch if nothing else!

Well since I have migrated over here I’ve gone a little quiet and I’m sorry for that.  It’s not that there hasn’t been much going on but rather the opposite with far too much going on in my head, and none of it good really.

Being the sort of “la, la, la, whoopy doo” kind of chick that I am, I have found the last week all a bit tricky as it’s been damn difficult to find the “la, la, la, whoopy doo” in any of it.  However I do think I’m now on the track out of the other side and see things a little more clearly now that I’ve done a runner from my life and am currently sitting in the sun on the beautiful Kenyan coast writing “I wish you were here” postcards to all my imaginary friends.  As you can imagine – that didn’t take long and actually I’m not even sure I have a pen!

The week started off badly, and then kind of went downhill from there …….. fast!

I ran away as far as my cheque book could take me and here I now sit in relative splendour well away from my real world.

The weather here isn’t the best it can be for the Kenyan coast but it is pleasantly warm most of the time and although partly cloudy with the odd rain shower in which it is easy to spot the European tourists as they don’t seem to flinch when the rain is only spitting, and the rest of us are hastily packing our things away and legging it to the nearest shelter, it’s really very nice.

I’m psyching myself up for the next phase in my life, and for the moving on from a company that I have helped build and people who have worked with me and who I care for, because sadly it has finally dawned on me that no matter how much I care, those on the top of the food chain with the cash and the bank balances really don’t give a damn for much else but the bottom line.

I’m not saying that I too don’t care for the ‘bottom line’ as of course that is ultimately what makes the world go round, but what happened to compassion and caring for fellow human beings?  Is it that the richer you are, the less you care for others?  Is the only way to become truly successful (in a bank balance kind of way), is to walk all over other people to get there?

As I get older (NB.  I said “older” there NOT “old”!), I’ve woken up to realise that this world isn’t so “la, la, la” after all, and too many Whoopy Doo times become quite Whoopy POO really!

Then, as I wallowed in my self pity of realisation that too many people are just out for themselves and quite two faced, a tragedy happened to a family I know and they lost someone far, far, too young, just starting out in life with so much to look forward to and so much to learn and yet never given that chance to find out, and it pulled me out of my hole and made me realise that here I am with so many chances already handed to me and yet I have wasted far too many of them.

Death always brings on thoughts of religion.  In those that believe strongly in whatever faith it may be, it always seems such a comfort at a time like this, and I have seen many a staunch believer from various religious backgrounds show incredible strength in times of despair and I desperately admire them.

I have no religion to call my own as I have never been christened, baptised or had any other inauguration into any faith at all.  It seems my mother ‘didn’t agree’ with religion and wanted nothing to do with any faith (although she was brought up as a Catholic I believe, and am sure she was just trying to be rebellious which is her want).  However I do believe in some higher power out there who needs us all at some stage, (for whatever reason I do not know), but our dates for moving on out of this world into the next are all written down in a big book and so no matter what you do it will never make a difference to the end result.

Face it chaps, no-one is invincible, and as depressing as death may seem, it’s really not worth dwelling over as funnily enough it’s as inevitable as it getting dark before morning!

SO there we have it, I’m back to “la, la, la, Whoopy Doo” land and have come up with a philosophy that i shall continue to live the rest of my days by, and that’s straight out of ‘Kung Fu Panda’ ………….

LIVE FOR TODAY BECAUSE IT IS CALLED THE PRESENT FOR A REASON,
IT IS EXACTLY THAT – A PRESENT !

Go Po, you ROCK!

Well, here I am people. My new home.

Notice that I’ve gone with The Lost White Kenyan Chick so that if those smashing well balanced (chip on EACH shoulder) chaps find me over here, they might wind their necks in a little. I was going to go with The Lost Light Brown, or perhaps Dark Brown in the Summer months when I get a chance to hit the beach, Kenyan Chick, but sadly WordPress couldn’t cope ….

so I simplified myself to “The Lost Kenyan Chick Strikes Back ….”

I’m thinking of moving to Washington as my mate Primal Sneeze suggests I perhaps should compete with Paris Hilton for a spot at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, but I’m not sure that I am such a dab hand with a pink paintbrush.

Believe me though, I’m JUST as H O T as that little Missy …… * Ssssizzzz *
( if of course I am viewed in extremely bad light, have a hell of a lot more clothes on than young Paris normally does, and you’ve removed your false teeth and taken your glasses off!)

Actually, to tell you the truth, I am not relocating my little life too far from here at all – although this blog seems worlds apart from where I started it all up over ‘on the other side’. I shall be setting myself up in a little office up the road from here and shall be returning to the tourism sector – so if any of you out there fancy an incredibly fantastic, once in a lifetime (or perhaps once a year if you’re so inclined and incredibly generous with your money), trip to my part of the world, I am so going to be the chick on the ground to be in touch with.

I shall of course only deal with splendid, sumptuously FAB accommodation but I can tell you that it shall be worth every penny of every minute that you are here, and I shall personally guarantee to keep you away from all nonsense known as politics, politicians, policies, and the like.

You see – could you actually think of anything more splendid? A trip to one of the most beautiful countries on earth all sorted and organised by yours truly!!

Whoah there, hold the phones, I am in dire need of a cup of tea and a little sit down whilst I sort out how this new blog works first ………..

Mmmm, now where was I …………….. ??