Posted by: mzunguchick | August 7, 2008

Time for change …….

– and let’s just hope that this is “Change you can Believe In”, and not Paris Hilton after my job too!

See Paris Hilton Responds to McCain Ad and more funny videos on FunnyOrDie.com

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

I have been such a slacker recently when it comes to writing my blog and it’s not really because I’ve got nothing to say. There has hardly been a time in my life really when I haven’t had much to say – except probably when I’ve been put under general anaesthetic – but god help you if you’re the one standing by my bedside when I come round as it has this fantastic effect on me that sends my mouth into overdrive (with jolly colourful words mostly), and I become momentarily insane (even more than the usual can you believe), and I start punching everyone around me! ….. Don’t say you haven’t been warned now!

But it’s OK peeps, relax there. You can come out from behind your computer screens as although it may seem that I have been put under anaesthetic as the rambling has been temporarily halted, actually i am, and have been, fully conscious throughout and it’s actually ……

…. BLOGGER.COM’s fault, so HA ! (I so like passing the buck, I mean it couldn’t possibly be that I’m just a lazy git and really can’t be arsed to think of what to say, or to press the ‘blogspot’ button more than once because it doesn’t go through the first time and I have the patience of a flea!)

I don’t know about you lot out there but I am actually having a serious problem getting onto most of the ‘blogger.com’ sites. It keeps booting me out with a blank page and a cute little comment in the corner that says “done” – although what it thinks it has done is quite beyond me as all I get is a perfectly blank screen!! Yet all those blogs who go through different portals such as wordpress or tumblr don’t seem to have a problem at all. So, think I might just look into the pros and cons of defection to ‘the other side’!

And by the way, it’s not the only thing I’m defecting from.

I have “officially” – letter and all – defected from my job.
* Gasp *

It’s all been a bit of a shock to the staff and myself actually. I’m not sure that I was fully intent on leaving at the moment but things have been a little tricky around here recently and it seems that if one gets smacked round the chops enough times, your enthusiasm for what you are doing finally wanes funnily enough.

So that’s me, that’s where I am at.

I’ve always been good at ‘legging it’ and I was kind of overdue for some major change, so have decided to move on to pastures greener, and will take my blog with me too!

So it’s Adieu for now Peeps, and we’ll see you on the other side.
– That is of course when I can work out where the ‘other side’ might be.
I’ll keep you posted – *gosh, how droll of me *

Just a couple of little tidbits to keep you going whilst I go about transferring my life to the next door field;

“DEPUTY PM MUSALIA MUDAVADI FIRES 64 COUNCILLORS WHO WERE GAZETTED BY HIS COUNTERPART UHURU KENYATTA” – NTV News, Wednesday 6th August 9pm

“LOCAL GOVERNMENT MINISTER MUSALIA MUDAVADI SUED FOR CONTEMPT FOR NAMING NEW NOMINATED COUNCILLORS IN BREACH OF AN APRIL 29 COURT ORDER” – NTV News, Thursday 7th August 12.30pm

Mmmmm – I’d have said that was probably “Deuce”!

… and I couldn’t let this little advert slip past you that I found in the Nairobi Star this morning;


So you can go through the rest of your day happy now gentleman.

Catch you later!
Love you Lots,
MWAH.

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Posted by: mzunguchick | August 1, 2008

Just arrived in my inbox ……..

From john charles

I am writing to seek your partnership in the investment of my inheritance fund USD $6.5M from my late father who died mysteriously on 12 july 2006.

I will like to further introduce myself to you. My name is Mr john charles, I am a 20 years old boy, the only child and son of my late parents Mr and Mrs Toure charles.

It was very evident that he was poisoned to death. I lost my mother when I was barely a year old and my father refused to re-marry another wife because he felt solely responsible for my mother’s death. This is so because he concentrated much on his businesses that he rarely pays attention to domestic affairs.

He was always travelling taking care of his businesses that he did not notice when my mother took ill. He thought it was a minor illness and was ignorant of this. My mother on her own resorted to self-medication.

It was not until the illness degenerated that my father took my mother to hospital where she was diagnosed to find out that hypatitis had eaten deep into her blood stream. She didn’t last long before she died. This happened when I was barely a year old. Based on this, my father could not forgive himself easily because of it and said he was responsible for her death as he could have saved her if only he had paid attention to the things at home rather than concentrating much on his businesses.

Despite all entreaties by friends and relatives, he refused to remarry but ensured that I had everything that I wanted. It was as a result of this that he made me the next of kin to his fund deposit with the bank here in my country, I should have a direct access to the fund,only when I am 28 years of age otherwise, I should have a guardian/partner intercede on my behalf for the release of the fund to me. Unfortunately, he died on 12 july 2006 and I am 20 years of age currently.

This is why I have contacted you to serve as a guardian to me and as my foreign partner for the investment of my inheritance fund overseas My uncles does not know about the funds because they had already taken my father’s houses and other properties and they are looking for a way to kill me. They have requested to have my father’s file where all the documents that proof the existence of my inheritance fund in the bank where kept but I simply told them that I do not know where he kept them.

Talk to you the more.
John charles



There you go – word for word, the usual junk that I receive daily – (such the popular chick that I am). Todays seems to have a little more imagination than most that come through so thought I should share this one with you all.

And what do you think of it for a bit of scandal so early in the morning??
I’m thinking perhaps this chap should get a part in a James Bond movie – sounds like the perfect plot don’t you think, and for me to be picked out as his guardian and get a share in all this – “Gosh, how honored am I?” ……… Er …….

In fact anyone keen on helping the chap out could probably get in touch with him direct. Think his return email was;
pleasecaniripyouoff@whatasucker.com

What I still don’t get though is how do these weirdos get hold of my email address, and also why haven’t Kenyans thought up something similar ? We’re usually excellent at finding the most ingenious ways to rip people off and yet these scams seem to be all coming from foreign web worlds ?

Or perhaps it’s just that my email address has got it’s little self into the wrong hemisphere and I am missing out on the emails that are asking for donations for Obama’s granny to go on a small round the world cruise on her way to his inauguration ceremony as the President of the US of the A’s??

Perhaps I shall start my own …….

I mean, did you not know I was the illegitimate daughter of our (EX) Finance Minister Mr Kimunya’s, childhood sweetheart, and that I too have a small 5Million Dollar fund with my name on it standing by at the Central Bank of which I need to get my hands on through a third party, so that Mr Marende (the house speaker in Parliament) doesn’t find out and try to poison me when I’m having my next 3 course lunch at The Grand Regency hotel with my “Unco Amos” !!


Posted by: mzunguchick | July 30, 2008

True …………. or False ??

First, a question ??
How many emails would you say on average you receive in a day that are total crap – and by ‘crap’ I do mean the ones from ‘unknown’ senders or those with spectacular names such as godimfullacrap@yabloodyhoo.com and such like ?? (Not those ones that we receive from the boss that really should be filed under the same heading – but sadly you have to actually carry out their wishes first – that is of course if you want to get paid, and seeing as today is the 30th July – best do whatever he says today for tomorrow your paycheck may go missing!)

Anyway as for the random ‘crap’ messages that you get. Let’s take the average week’s company email. We start with at least 3 a day ‘wishing to be friends’ – not that some of them can even spell the word however but still, it seems they have been waiting for this moment all their lives and your email conveniently appeared (as a vision no doubt), and now this is ‘karma’ that you must now become live long buddies……… Yea, right.

If you’re lucky (as I am at least 5 times a week let me tell you – it’s OK, you can leave the fan mail / god I’m jealous mail in the comment box once I’ve finished posting this), …. where was I? .. Oh yes, now if you’re lucky not only will these smashing people wish to be friends but lots of them will want to send hundreds of thousands of dollars to your bank account as they’ve nicked it from somewhere (perfectly above board you understand), and now wish to give half of it to you for just being their new ‘friend’ and conveniently giving out your entire life history so they can in turn rip you off!!

Then of course, there’s always a ton of those emails with smashing offers such as; offering generous libido enhancing drugs; enlarge your penis in 10 minutes; and loose 35kg of your body mass in one breath!

And then finally when you sift out all that crap (and the bosses email of course – star that one just in case you delete it by mistake whilst you’re too busy catching up with your mates on Facebook), then we are left with my favourite ones, and that is all the scandals, hoaxes and jokes that come through on a daily basis.

Those are the only ones worth reading – they show how much time half this world has on their hands. Like the one I received yesterday on Jamie Oliver’s *new* cookbook – that is of course, er, NOT ! But it’s fun reading don’t you think? And don’t joke, it has 120 odd pages – all with lovely piccies of the delicious meals you may poison yourselves with. I mean, who has the time to write all that??

Mshairi left a comment on that post directing us to a website where you can go and check out the real vs. the unreal. It’s called snopes and is really quite enlightening! It is also though, in some ways, incredibly disappointing. I so wanted that mobile phones cooking the popcorn and boiling an egg thing to be true. I carry two mobiles around with me at all times just in case I get stuck somewhere in the middle of nowhere with no power and a raw egg, and now it looks like I shall have to think again on my ‘survival pack’ as apparently *in the real world* 100 mobile phones sitting on top of an egg for one hour didn’t even warm the damn thing up!

But at least now I am full of crap myself and can do lots of “Did you know …..?”


I have useful information on board now such as;
Coca Cola did not invent Santa Claus, (can you bloody believe it!)
Coca Cola is not an effective spermicide, (so stop chucking all that fizz about!)
BUT, BUT, BUT,
Coca Cola DID once contain cocaine and did not become completely cocaine free until 1929.
(Can I say that explains a lot as to why my Granny was such a diva until the age of 89! She had a good 30 years of drinking that stuff !!)

Anyway this all got me thinking that I should set up my own “true or false” site with regards to politics in Kenya. But then of course I realised that sadly ALL of the most ridiculous and unbelievable things that happen amongst our Members of Parliament and the like, are totally TRUE, and how depressing would that be having an entire website dedicated to our disasters that they call “Politics in Kenya”??

I think I shall ditch the idea and save the Samaritans a bunch of depressed Kenyan’s phone calls as they are all about to launch themselves off their fridge freezer as life will be too dismal to continue with. I also don’t want The Samaritan call centre in India to get too excited when a bunch of truck driving Kenyans start calling up …….

Depressed Kenyan (DP): “Is that The Samaritans?”
The Samaritan Hotline redirected to Calcutta (SH): “Most certainly, and how can I help you?”
DP: “Life is tooo depressing with our politicians stealing all our cash, I just can’t go on.
I am thinking of killing myself. What should I do?”
SH: “I’m very sorry to hear that. However, I don’t suppose you could help us out and drive a truck?”

Posted by: mzunguchick | July 28, 2008

Sshhhhh …. keep this under your hat!

Thing is *whispering* I just got an email through with the entire text of Jamie Oliver’s new cookbook. Rumour has it (and don’t we Kenyans just lurve a bit of a rumour *He He*), that some chap in the publishing house emailed a copy to one of his mates and some smart arse hacked into his emails and sent said text around the web !

See this ……

I shall NOT be telling you where I got this little bit of golden information from – as that will of course mean I shall have to kill you all, and that would just be far too messy and I’ve got a bit of a full schedule on this week, so instead I shall just make you all slightly jealous with words such as;

CHOCOLATE
TARTS
MOUSSE
SESAME SNAPS
FRAGRANT CHICKEN
SALMON FILLET
ASIAN MARMALADE
SEARED ENCRUSTED CARPACCIO
STUFFED BABY BELL CHILE PEPPERS

and even a …

HOT AND FRAGRANT RUB – although I think you might have to actually buy the book to get the full effect of that one though!!

Posted by: mzunguchick | July 26, 2008

We have a solution …. CLOSE THE SCHOOLS

Well things are now quiet on the Secondary School front, and how was that achieved? Well, the same way they solve every education crisis round these parts – CLOSE THEM DOWN INDEFINITELY! (They love that word ‘indefinitely’ – it just means they can all have a jolly nice long holiday and will reopen if and when they ever feel like it!)

This is favourite sport over here. If we can’t control it, then just shut the doors and hope the problem just ….er, well, goes away actually!

They do it with the Universities all the time, and now its the Secondary Schools. Not surprising the level of education in this country is so low. How on earth are you supposed to learn anything when you’ve got people in charge like the good old Prof Wangeri full of useful ideas that get us nowhere?

Anyway, enough of them, because we’ve decided that actually all they need is just need a jolly good beating and then they’ll be well behaved and disciplined and all the problems that those naughty school children have will just miraculously disappear in a puff of smoke. I’m sure that education minister thinks he’s some kind of fairy godmother and he’ll wave his wand, conveniently made of cane, and …… *Poof* …… everyone will get an ‘A’! …. Oooh, perhaps that’ll be a B. Oh, oh, gosh, sorry, think you’ll find that’s a C-.

I’ve been watching the international news this morning and headlines every 15 minutes is “Formula 1 boss’s ‘secret’ S&M dominatrix has a bit of an interview on Sky News.” For goodness sake, how on earth can this be “World News Headlines”?? Does anyone really give a flying fart what Max Mosely gets up to in his spare time, and the fact that his “Mistress” is terribly, terribly sorry about the whole thing and is really very upset about the fact that her video recordings of the whole event made headlines in the “News of the World”, even though she made tons of cash, and, and, ……….

So what are we thinking??? Why are we worried about closing the schools and wishing all our problems away. In the UK, it seems you don’t actually need an education, just do something incredibly stupid and you’ll get paid a fortune!

Posted by: mzunguchick | July 24, 2008

All is not lost ….

Posted by: mzunguchick | July 23, 2008

Damn, they’re clever these politicians ….

I stand in awe.

Parliament sat yesterday and had a jolly loud debate about what to do about our striking students. And what did they decide was the solution, (besides of course their bright idea of bringing back caning – because of course those annoying “human rights” fellows won’t like that one bit!), so no, no, the smashing Minister of Education, the ever so clever “PROFESSOR” (no less) Sam Ongeri announced ‘new regulations to stem the wave of unrest in our Secondary Schools’ as follows ………

1. No secondary school student will henceforth be allowed to carry a mobile phone to school, and
2. Purchase of school buses with TV sets, DVD players and music systems have been banned.

Phew – glad you’ve sorted that out then. Don’t you worry about those kids exams or the fact that you totally and utterly screwed up the KCSE results for last year. As long as none of them carries a mobile phone or listens to any music on the way to school, all of course shall be well!!

YAY, ALL HAIL THE PROF !!

Posted by: mzunguchick | July 22, 2008

Today’s view


…. and according to all of our newspapers this morning, apparently if we bring back caning, then we can reverse this process 🙂

“Spare the rod, Spoil the child!”

Posted by: mzunguchick | July 21, 2008

The goalposts got shifted ……

In the last few days, the children in a lot of the Secondary schools in Nairobi have gone on strike.

“You What!” I hear you cry, but yes you heard it correctly – the students have gone on strike and slipped into riot mode. Windows have been smashed, classrooms vandalised and even dormitories burnt down. In one school here in town a student was killed when they got themselves trapped in the burning dormitory, and now half the schools have had to be shut down …. and all for what?

Well, the story that has come out is that their mock KCSE exams which were scheduled to start today are just too hard! (The KCSE exams are the equivalent of the GCSEs in the UK, but here in Kenya the mocks are always known for being much harder than the actual exams set by the government bodies themselves.)

I was listening to the news this morning and they were interviewing Secondary school kids who had been turned away from school and they asked them why they were striking. They came out with the exam story to start with, and when the interviewers seemed totally unimpressed as that as a reason for missing school, they then changed their tune to “Actually, the sanitation isn’t up to much and our school meals are atrocious!”

Moving on and then interviewing parents about what should be done about the situation, there seemed to be one steady stream of answers and they all spelt out D I S C I P L I N E. All those adults interviewed agreed (including the presenters I might add), that ‘in their day’, they would never dare to do anything as wild as strike from school as the consequences would be too harsh, and these consequences would always involve a severe caning.

So there you have it, the kids go on strike, and instead of taking any notice to their actual grievances, all the adults seem to just go with “Bring back Caning”, and that will solve the problem!


But hold on a second there chaps, has anyone actually listened to what they have to say.

Yes the sanitation in most of the schools is awful, the food pretty crap and the mock exams known to be utterly impossible, but hey instead of saying; “Well, in my day, that’s just how it was and you should put up and be beaten for it, or just shut up”, surely we should actually wake up to the fact that these things – as much as they may have been the same in our day – should surely warrant some kind of change actually!

Listening to these secondary school kids more closely, it turns out that the reason they even started all this nonsense is that they were told that as the government totally cocked up the KCSE exam results for last year, they have decided that this year they will use the mock results instead!

Considering the mocks are not standardised from school to school, are internally marked, and as I’d mentioned earlier, are much more difficult than the actual exams themselves surely seems slightly unfair to say the least, and it really isn’t surprising that these students are a little bit upset! Seeing as no-one wants to listen to them, it seems they have decided that the only way to get yourselves noticed and perhaps listened to, is to do what their peers have all done in the last few months – Riot and burn!

But tell me this, is bringing back the cane really the way forward in all this??

Posted by: mzunguchick | July 15, 2008

Bring on Mrs Darwin perhaps … ?

Not sure how many of you have been keeping up with the world news but there’s this very bizarre case that came up of a man who canoed out to sea some years ago, never to be seen again, who turned up at a police station in the UK at the end of last year – for reasons known only to himself.

This is now the story of the court case surrounding the bizarre fraud incident …..

Canoe wife ‘acted out emotions’

The wife, lovely lady that she is, ‘stood by her man’, and when he ‘returned from the dead’, she was overcome with emotion!!

….. BUT …. turns out she had been standing by collecting the insurance and hanging out in Panama with him all along, and the most fantastic thing about the whole story is that she is currently in court and says she’s innocent !!

Er …. Right lady, that’s the way to do it !!

– You see, you don’t need to be a politician to lie through your teeth. You can just be a little old housewife. But my goodness, she did it so well and for 5 years, and it was only the husband who blew the whole thing out of the water it seems.

You see, that’s a serious case of a missed vocation in life – she could have been a lecturer in Politics at some top Kenyan University.

Our politicians this end need someone like that to brush up on their ‘downright lying’ techniques! In fact, Mrs Darwin could be extremely useful as the spokesman for our Parliament right now don’t you think?

Just in the last 7 days, we’ve had our Finance Minister dumped in the big sticky stuff and consequently shuffling to the side, swiftly followed by the Immigration Minister who has been jolly naughty issuing work permits when he was told not to, and then today it’s Uhuru Kenyatta’s turn of being accused of dodgy nominations when he was briefly ensconced in the Minister for Local Government posting.

Meanwhile out of the office everyone is gearing up for the 2012 succession – and why not indeed.

We are not yet 6 months into this one and it’s turning out to be a complete disaster with lots of grown men bickering and throwing mud pies at each other and absolutely nothing actually being done, and I don’t suppose it’ll get any better in the next 4 years so “Hell Yea”, let’s start campaigning for 2012 and until then, the country can all go and rot!

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